My friend’s startled exclamation woke me from my reverie. “What?” I demanded as I saw Stella covering her mouth with her hand. “There’s something in your scalp!” My heart skipped a beat as I gingerly touched my head and felt the smooth, hairless patch of skin. What could this mean? I wondered in alarm and I felt fear creeping up my bones, most especially when I discovered there were two bald patches on my head, two diameters in size each.
This “thing” brought me face to face with an internist. As Stella and I sat in front of this doctor, he asked me a lot of questions. After awhile he said, “Well, you don’t seem to have any other symptoms. Don’t worry. I’m sure it’s nothing serious.” He smiled trying to reassure me. But I wasn’t reassured. “Yes, for our peace of mind, I want you to take an ANA test and come back with the result.”
The following day, as I waited for a blood sample to be drawn from my veins, I stood beside the glass sliding doors and looked outside. But I couldn’t see the view as my eyes were getting misty from the tears that were welling up. “Father God,” I thought agitatedly. “I’m so scared. I don’t know where all of this is going and what’s going to happen to me. Please hold my hand. Don’t let go.” Saying this somehow comforted me as it always had even when I was a little girl.
Stella and I brought the results back to the doctor. The doctor’s face was grim as he viewed the result. My ANA test was positive. He began to explain, “The Antinuclear Antibody Test is to screen a patient for certain autoimmune disorders such as systemic lupus erythematosus (SLE) and others. Is there anyone in your family or relatives who has lupus?” I nodded fearfully. My aunt had been diagnosed with lupus a few years back. He continued, “If that’s the case, then you must have the lupus panel test. That’s the only way we can confirm if you have it too.”
The doctor was a kind man and he tried to reassure me again. “Well, it’s not as bad as you think it is. There are many lupus patients today who are living quite normal lives.” I wailed in protest, “But Doc, I don’t want to be sick! I don’t want to be living on medications!” I pressed for more explanations asking him about autoimmune diseases.
I learned that a positive result in the ANA test indicates the presence of antinuclear antibodies in the blood. When a person’s immune system can’t distinguish between the “self” and “non-self”, these special antibodies are formed. “I don’t understand. But why? How did this happen?” I demanded. The doctor explained further, “There is no known cause for such a disease. It just happens. The thing is your defense cells which is supposed to fight viruses and bacteria are now against you. So it’s attacking your own normal cells!”
When I heard that words “attacking your own normal cells”, I could feel as if I had been struck by lightning. It hit me right there and then. Oh goodness gracious! My mind screamed. I was brought into realization of what I had done to myself. For years, I had chosen to beat myself up. Every time I couldn’t do things right, I hated myself. Every time, I seem to displease my loved ones, I blamed myself. Every time, I made a mistake and faced failures, I condemned myself. I was indeed attacking myself without mercy, without even me knowing it. And now it has manifested in my body. I was getting sick.
I had to fly to another city for the test since it was unavailable in the local hospitals. Stella lent me a book “Believe in the God Who Believes in You” by Robert Schuller for my week long trip. I savored those words as I waited for the test results to come out. That book gently reminded me of God’s love and how much He believes in each one of us. And at one point, there were words that powerfully touched me, telling me that I was meant to be whole and that, if I believe in it with all of my heart, I was to kneel down and claim my healing right there and then.
I did. I remember kneeling. I remember I opened my arms and believed with all my heart that I was healed. I could feel tears of relief flowing down. I just knew whatever will happen, it will be alright.
When the lupus panel test results came, everything was negative! But my ANA test was still positive. My aunt brought me to another doctor for a second opinion. The doctor explained that sometimes a positive ANA test may not reveal any signs and symptoms yet. It could go either way. It could die down or it could flare up.
That was the most wonderful news I have ever heard. Somehow the message was clear: My health depended on the choices I would make after all this. I could continue hating myself and see my body experience its own breakdown or I could start loving myself and see my body regain its health.
I went back home determined to live a new life. Here’s how I lived my life anew:
- Making a commitment to love myself.
- Saying positive affirmations daily without fail.
- Being gentle and forgiving of myself whenever I face failures.
- Reading inspirational materials.
- Surrounding myself with positive people who encourage and support.
- Learning to meditate to bring calmness whenever I had panic attacks.
- Facing my fears head on instead of running away.
- Writing down the dreams I wanted for myself.
- Giving myself a chance to do the things that give me joy and meaning.
- Believing in the God who believes in you and me.
This all happened in the year 2000. That was eight years ago. My life is very different now. I have learned to love myself and give myself a chance to experience joy. Wellness and well being exist in abundance in my life. And I am forever grateful for the malady that healed me and helped me become whole. Keep loving and growing. Blessings to you!
By: Michelle Simtoco
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A beautiful story Michelle, I have known many to have similiar experiences, all with different results. Some, unquestionable go into pills and therapies, some fight it, some deny, some just “live with it”. Few learn as you did the mirrors our lives are showing us and embrace the opportunity to let go of that experience and consciously choose a wonderful new experience. Thanks for sharing your journey that began much before the 9 years this event took place for you. I too found the light in similiar ways, you just explain it so well. My hope is that many can be inspired as they read this.
Hi Sue, thank you for your sharing your thoughts. I too hope that this story can give another perspective to healing. When I look back, one thing is for certain, I grew tremendously because of that experience. I continue to celebrate life and health.
Love and light.
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I knew it,,,great story….I used to beat myself up so much and now as I heal my health heals….love the most powerful force in the universe is also the great healer of us all and love of self is powerful in Gods Mighty hands….love you guy`s mike :0)
Oh, my goodness, I have read many books about self healing, about the mind-body connection, but upon reading your story at how your beating yourself up, and your clear awareness of how this emotional state was creating illness is a perfect teaching/example that gets the message across to the reader.
Thank you for sharing this, makes me stop and pause, and be grateful that awareness can often trigger a healing as it did with you. Will share with my friends and family.
Marie
Loved the story, as for attacking ones’self I have been there and done that but like you God changed all that. I came here via hubpages!
Maggs, thank you for sharing yourself here. Love and light to you. Keep on…
Thank you Marie. There is a lot of power in our thoughts and our feelings. The more aware we are, the more healing can take place.
Thank you for sharing.
Mike! It is a joy to hear stories about this because we can truly see how healing can take place. Thank you for sharing yours…
Love you too.
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